Humble Macho Catholics

The title of this post is weird, maybe even a little confusing.  We tend to think of humble people as meek and macho people as full of bravado.  Work with me here.

When I created this blog, I was hoping to make it a place to express two current goals of mine.

My first goal was to be more submissive to God's will.  I made some small victories on that battlefield.  My prayer life has gotten better, then a little worse, and now I'm trying to make time for prayer rather than find time. It's difficult with toddlers in the house.  I'm noticing all sorts of little areas where I fail every day.  One of the readers of this blog, Sara (you know who you are), went to college with me my sophomore year at UNL.  I remember once passing across the quad and observing the extremely rude and ignorant fundamentalist preachers at our student union.  There they were, acting all Christ-like, shouting and screaming and pointing at all the "sinners" (I quote it because it was their favorite word, not because I deny there were sinners).  I decided to try to set some things straight with one of them.  When I walked up, I noticed him talking to Sara.  He was telling her that he was a believer in Christ, so he didn't commit any sins.  Ever.  Wow!  Then I remember Sara, clear as if it was yesterday, saying, "I sin every day.  I need God's mercy."  She was trying to convince him that being Christian was a struggle, an ongoing battle.  I remember thinking, "nope, not me.  I don't sin that much.  I'm as righteous as Abraham...no, I'm as righteous as Joseph."  Okay, so I wasn't quite that smug, but you get the point.  The thing is, at that time, I was kind of running on spiritual fumes.  I was making lots of new friends, in a completely different environment, and my prayer life suffered.  I especially forgot to remind myself of my sins on a regular basis.  I couldn't own up to them honestly.  Sara inspired me that day and I spent a long time thinking about it.

I tell my students about how Pope John Paul II went to Confession every week and they're amazed.  I recall a friend a professor at seminary describing St. Augustine's conversion this way: "you know when you're driving a car and the windshield looks clear, and then you turn toward the sun, and the more light comes in your windshield, the more bug guts and bird poop you see?  The more we turn toward God, the more we begin to see the stains on our souls."

So my first goal for this blog, and for myself, being submissive to God's will, is all about humility.  Humility is seeing myself as God sees me, that is, as I really am.  If I ask myself that question, it becomes clear: I am a stubborn Pharisee with mixed up priorities, worried about a whole host of problems (many unrealistic), too indulgent in all things culinary, excessively proud about mediocre achievements, nitpicking, whining, annoying, bragging, somewhat selfish in the fatherhood department, and very selfish in the husband department.  Anyone who knows me knows these things, why is it so hard for me to see it?  And yet, I also know that God sees good things about me.  Humility is not about being against ourselves, it is about being truthful with ourselves.  I know that He sees that I really do want to be a good Christian and a saint, despite my weaknesses.  I know that He sees that I want to be a good husband and father, an good catechist, and a good parishioner.  I know that He sees that I want to have a decent prayer life.  So why do I stink at doing all these things I long to do?

My second goal was to be more manly, more masculine, etc.  I've made some serious strides there, too.  I bought a circular saw and built a podium last week.  It was great fun and I highly recommend it to others.  Of course, my wife was staring at me through the back door the entire time, praying I wouldn't lose a finger.  I should have taken a hot dog piece and some ketchup out there just for fun.  Maybe next time...but I digress...

My wife wasn't sure about my using a big saw like that because, well, I'm a pansy.  That's right.  I said it.  I was raised watching HGTV.  It's something I'd rather not think about.  I actually know the difference between pink, lavender, and purple.  I don't watch sports.  I am a pansy.  Not anymore!

Jesting aside, I wanted to be more masculine.  I believe radical feminism has robbed my generation of a lot of masculinity.  I think we should have a movement for masculinism.  It should involve lobbying for the right to go into the forest during "man PMS" and blowing tree stumps with C-4.  Every man should be required to own and operate a gun.  Not just the stereotypical stuff, though.  Every man should know classical ballroom dances, proper etiquette, and how to cook.  Out of 10, I probably score a 2, a 6, and a 9 on those, respectively.

The real mark of manhood, though, is virtue.  Virtue comes from the Latin virtus, meaning "strength," or even more literally, "manhood" (vir - "man," -tus - suffix for "hood," which came to us directly through German from the Latin -tus).  Virtue is manhood, and one of the virtues, the one I want to talk about for a moment, is courage.

Courage is a mark of genuine manhood.  Without prudence, justice, and temperance, it is meaningless, but it is courage which gives us the strength to do what we know is right.  Going back to my first goal, I left the question hanging: why do I stink at doing all these things I long to do?  I stink at them because even though I know I ought to do them, I lack the courage to do them.  I lack the courage to make time for prayer.  I lack the courage to stand up for my beliefs.  I often lack the courage to face even the simple tasks of daily life.  Men who back away from their family responsibilities aren't lazy, they're cowardly.  Men who don't push the things they want out of the way to make time for the prayer they need, these men aren't intemperate, they're cowardly.  I am a cowardly pansy.

It's time to wake up, men!  It's time to be humble and macho.  You can't have any real male machismo if you shrink from your duties!  You can't do your duties if you don't have humility!

See, that's where the two come together.  Humility and courage might sometimes seem opposed.  The first submits, the second stands up.  They come together when we recognize that in the moments of our courage, it is not we who act, standing on our own two feet.  Rather, it is God Himself, with His grace, who stands in us for right against wrong, for justice against injustice, and we can only make room for Him in our lives if we are humble.  If we are humble, all things become possible.  If we set down our own wills and our own weapons, we renew the fight with God's own weapons, which He supplies to those who do His will.

The key to being real men, my dear Fiat Men, is humility.

Pax,

Micah

Finding Time for Prayer

"Until you are convinced that prayer is the best use of your time, you will find no time for prayer." -Fr. Hilary Ottensmeyer

I wrote this quote down over a year ago after I saw it on a plaque at a local Catholic bookstore. It was convicting then as now. We modern Catholics are always trying to fit prayer into busy schedules, as if it is an exercise regimine (Jacob's Ladder aside) or a playdate for the kiddos. In so doing, we are presupposing the wrong question. Instead of asking, "where can I find room for prayer?" we should be asking, "how much do I value prayer?"

Let me put this into perspective. It gets lost on us sometimes what words mean, such that the meaning of the above question may not be clear. So, supposing that my readers are all Christians, it really comes down to this decision: "should I spend time in loving conversation with the infinite, eternal, all-knowing, all-loving God, who created me to share in His life and died for me, while I was yet a sinner, for my own good...or should I [insert any other task/activity here]?" Now it seems like a stupid question, huh? Sometimes I think our guardian angels have to be very sore from all the facepalms they must do. Think of all the times you've needed God's help to find something, but use Him as a last resort. "Stupid human! Pray! Why are you looking for your keys in the same spot for the fourth time? Pray!"

As Fiat Men, we should value prayer. I stink at it. I'll be the first to admit it. If we're saying Fiat to God, and we strive to do that always, then we are failing royally, all of us.

Here are a few reasons why people don't pray like they should:

1. "I don't need to pray about it. I already know where the keys are/what to do with my life." - Really? This is kinda lame. First, it assumes you aren't involving God at all, which is just stupid. It's His plan you're trying to follow! Second, it implies God is only there fore when we think we need His help. Prayer is first and foremost for love, not for favors.
2. "I don't have time." - If you want less time, don't pray. When you pray, you have God to assist you with the other things you moved to make time for Him. He won't let you down. Bl. Mother Teresa used to get this one from her nuns and would demand they spend more time in prayer. Things worked out better than before.
3. "I'm using a practical approach." - Prayer is impractical? I teach, and I'm going to start a new policy. I will say at least a quick prayer before applying discipline, before beginning class, before talking with a student one-on-one. I'll let you know how it goes.
4. "I don't know how to pray." - That's the cool part: on-the-job training. You ask the Holy Spirit to help you and guess what, then you're already praying!

Okay Fiat Men, prayer warriors, go get 'em!

Pax,

Micah

Calibration in Progress

A few weeks ago, my wife decided to splurge a bit and buy me a Wii. I know, I know, it's a brand-new, top of the line product...wait...what? It's 5 years old? Nintendo is already coming out with a new gaming system? Man, i am SO behind the times. I'm gonna go curl up in the corner and sulk about being old now.

Okay, I'm over it. We don't have a huge budget, but I've been locked in with the kids all summer and I could use a little exercise, so we figured this might help. It counted as a Father's Day present, too.

What intrigues me, though, is that every so often in gameplay, I have to calibrate the Wii remote. Why? I guess because it's getting shaken around with all the activity it's experiencing and its sensors are getting messed up. It gets out of sync. This seems especially true if you are boxing or fencing. It needs to re-orient itself.

Then an interesting thought hit me. I need to, and ought to, calibrate myself throughout the day. I get incolved in the world. I have an active life, even during the summer. I work, get frustrated with my family, deal with bad news. I get sorta messed up. There are things out there that put me out of sync with God. I, likewise, need to re-orient myself, literally - I need to look East, ad orientem, toward God and toward the Mount of Calvary in the holy city of Jerusalem. I need to be calibrated.

In the passage on the Last Supper in the Gospel of John (13:5-10), we find the Washing of the Feet of the Apostles.

Then he poured water into a basin and began to wash the disciples' feet and dry them with the towel around his waist. He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, "Master, are you going to wash my feet?"
Jesus answered and said to him, "What I am doing, you do not understand now, but you will understand later."
Peter said to him, "You will never wash my feet." Jesus answered him, "Unless I wash you, you will have no inheritance with me."
Simon Peter said to him, "Master, then not only my feet, but my hands and head as well."
Jesus said to him, "Whoever has bathed has no need except to have his feet washed, for he is clean all over; so you are clean, but not all."

Peter has himself all out of sync with Jesus. He needs calibration. We can tell because He argues with someone he already confessed to be God. Anyone who knowingly argues with God is just a little bit in need of some calibration. Once he realizes this, he jumps to bossing God around. Our Lord replies, in characteristic patience, that only Peter's feet need to be washed. This verse used to confuse me, but St. Augustine explains it well:

"Clean all except the feet. The whole of a man is washed in baptism, not excepting his feet; but living in the world afterwards, we tread upon the earth. Those human affections then, without which we cannot live in this world, are, as it were, our feet, which connect us with human things, so that if we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves (1 Jn 1:8). But if we confess our sins, He who washed the disciples' feet, forgives us our sins even down to our feet, wherewith we hold our converse with earth." -Catena Aurea

We Christians go about lives in the world, and it is next to impossible (albeit nothing is impossible for God) to go through even the Christian life without stumbling in the mud of sin a little and getting dirt and dust on our feet, through which we traverse the world living and preaching the Gospel. There can be no excuse for neglecting the calibration we seek in prayer. St. John's Gospel shows that he who is more about the Lord's work is likely the more to need his feet cleansed, to meet the Lord in prayer throughout the day and ask for his sins to be forgiven, not because he who is closer to God sins more, but because He begins all the more to notice his sins.

Now we as Fiat Men should, I hope, desire to get into the practice of turning to God often throughout the day, lifting up our hearts to worship and adore Him, and to ask for His mercy and love on ourselves, or families, and our neighbors.

I, for one, really need to work on this.

Pax,

Micah

Guest or Gifts: the Wedding Feast at Cana

Today, a friend of mine commented on Facebook about my last blog post.  She commented on her quest for spiritual peace.  I wrote back my own thoughts to her, but I've been thinking on and off today about it and when my mind focused on the Wedding Feast at Cana, it gave me the inspiration to put my thoughts together.

In his gospel, St. John details the wedding feast for us.  There was a wedding in Cana, the mother of Jesus was there, and so were Jesus and His disciples.  They ran out of wine, Mary asked her Son to do something about it, and He did.  He transformed water into wine.  It's an incredibly deep passage with about a bagillion levels of meaning, but I just want to focus on one thing:

And when the headwaiter tasted the water that had become wine, without knowing where it came from (although the servers who had drawn the water knew), the headwaiter called the bridegroom and said to him, "Everyone serves good wine first, and then when people have drunk freely, an inferior one; but you have kept the good wine until now."

-John 2:9-10

The headwaiter, who almost certainly knew they were dangerously short on wine, didn't say to the bridegroom, "hey, where'd this extra wine come from?" He was very focused instead on the wine itself and its extraordinarily good quality. The bridegroom, who may or may not have been aware of the near wine shortage, did not marvel at him or wonder where this remarkably tasty wine came from, thinking, "my goodness, I bought this? Certainly not!" Perhaps the folks involved did think these things, but St. John didn't consider it important to mention. I, however, would like to know more about their reactions.

Both figures, you see, seem very focused on the gift and not so much on the Guest who gave the gift. This is a human tendency. It doesn't necessarily mean that they are unholy ingrates or anything like that. It's just that we humans aren't very good at seeing past the tips of our noses or the immediate needs at the ends of our fingertips.

If a saintly Christian, already informed of the Gospel and well-versed in our spirituality, would have been at the wedding,* I think things would have gone differently.

Say Fr. Brown, of Chestertonian fame, was bumbling around at the wedding feast, rubbing elbows with rabbis and being dismissed by everyone in attendance as a simple man from the countryside. How would he respond? I think he would demand to know who had produced this marvelous wine and how!

The thing about a really great gift is that it always comes from a really great gift-giving guest. The whole spectacle of creation must have come from an amazing Creator, one truly worthy of receiving all that I am and have, my very total self-gift, my adoration, and one who, even after receiving all of me, still would not be anywhere near repaid.

So I think one of the keys in spirituality which we so often miss is to love the God of consolations more than the consolations of God. To be sure, there's nothing wrong with loving His consolations. They are a gift. But compared to Him, they are nothing. The true peace that comes with prayer comes after we focus on God rather than His consolations. The true gifts of prayer come when we realize that God is the gift we really want, and that any other gift He gives, He may keep, so long as we have Him. He may deprive us of peace, of food, of shelter, and the companionship of friends, but so long as we have Him, we should be happy and blessed.**

When we pray, do we say, "Lord, give me your peace!" This is a noble prayer. Better still would be, "Lord, you deserve all of me, and I beg you for the grace to give it, so that I may entirely receive you."

When we pray, are we focused on the quality of our prayer, the words we choose, the feelings we have? These are noble intentions. Better still would be to forget ourselves and look at the face of God, speaking to Him openly as we do with friends, when we often speak without concern for quality of conversation, choice of words, and the feelings we receive. In good conversation, those are generally things we appreciate after the fact, as they soak deep into our souls.

When we meet Christ in the Wedding Feast, joining our souls to His in spiritual union, and making Him the guest of our interior lives, do we focus on the gifts or do we look through them to the Guest of our souls who gives them?

Please join me in trying to love God more and more for Himself.

Pax,

Micah

*I am well aware that Mary was at the wedding and was as holy and thoroughly spiritual as they come. But she was in on the whole thing.

**I am not advocating that we reject His gifts or give up these things, unless, you know, you feel called to do that, as some are. We're not Jansenists. We enjoy life, food, shelter, companionship, and that's all fine, but we should not be attached to it.